Archive for February, 2016

It’s All About Him

This guy had two photos on his profile. His main picture was his head and upper chest, up against the diagonal where the wall meets the ceiling. He was looking down at the camera, I assume at his desk. He was bald, with a darker lower half of his face due to a five o’clock shadow for the second or third day. The other picture was of this buff, fit happy guy out in the hills above the city. The second smile was much more relaxed and real than the first. He soon took down the second picture, saying he never liked it much.

He approached me saying he felt a spark when reading my profile and looking at my beautiful face. I thought he was too adorable, built, deep, funny, and far away. From the beginning I had reservations about the distance but sooner than later we had a phone conversation in which we talked about his great job, the love his teenage twin daughters have for him, and his spirituality. He didn’t call himself a Buddhist, but that was more his venue than any other religion.

We talked about anger and he said, “Breathe your rage into your belly. Don’t let it make you a hot head.”

I thought that profound, because when I get angry, resentful, frustrated, or so many of the other negative emotions, after awhile my head gets hot and soon I have a headache, if not a temperature.

At the end of that first call he initiated plans to drive down that next Saturday to meet me for a coffee. Then I didn’t hear from him. So, Saturday afternoon I emailed and discovered that his back had gone out. A few more emails went back and forth. Then he wanted to meet me again but wanted me to drive at least half way. He said he needed to equalize the situation more. Apparently, he’d been driving far distances to meet women.

“If she’s willing to drive,” he said, “it tells me she is considerate or is just another woman with an entitlement attitude.”

I let him know I wasn’t driving much in between my cancer treatments and asked if we could have a face-to-face on Skype before we start negotiating the what where and when of our meet and greet. Since I didn’t jump at the chance to meet him, he said he detected resistance on my part.

“When two people first meet I think they are on equal standing. It’s a gesture of good faith when a woman reaches out to show she is considerate. It goes a long way with men in terms of engendering good feelings. Most men want a woman he feels will have his back and is sincere.”

He was upset I used the word negotiate.

From then on it got ugly. I’d suddenly remembered part of our one phone conversation where we were talking about how women today are dating more like men do . . . women are claiming the same rights that men have always had due to their reptilian tendencies.

He said, “Our society doesn’t approve of a woman who strays. The woman is supposed to be the nurturer. The man if he strays is doing what a man does . . . which is to spread his seed.”

Of course I disagreed with his antiquated point of view, but he was adamant about how society views women who don’t “stay in their box.” How interesting his back went out right after exclaiming he wants a woman who’ll watch his back. In his mind, the fact his back went out was much more important than the fact I was currently going through a cancer treatment. Talk about an entitlement issue why don’t we?

I was riled by his attack on me. I had to keep breathing deeply, but fortunately I had a friend with me in my home, at my desk, the day this disengagement via email went down. She was laughing hard at how obnoxious he was, but I was hurt.

When I took this to my therapist she said, “I’m not surprised he got upset with you when you questioned and confronted his behavior. This man has major issues with women, control, and who has the power. The fact that his girls’ mother is out of the picture, tells me he doesn’t understand what an equal relationship is at all. He wants to be taken care of by a woman. This is not about you. This is all about him. Let him go.”



LESSONS from this man I chose not to meet:

  1. Pictures matter. If he takes the happy, relaxed picture that attracted you down, beware of the picture that remains and what that picture represents.
  2. Listen carefully to his words, his focus of subjects, the issues that he has rage around.
  3. A man’s issues are always fairly near the surface. Shakespeare said it, “The Lady doth protest too much.” Be aware of what he has energy around because it will be emphasized in his dealings with you.

Motivational Meanderings

Can we please begin again?

Can I release all irritation, illness and incapacity?

Can I give up bitterness, befuddlement, and beckoning to another when what I want is internal balance?

Can I clear out drawers of inane words and unsettling thoughts, ignorant attitudes and nasty insults, fears and rejection of self and others?
artist done w drawers

Can I get back to the soul that sees life as the budding of spring’s new life and revel in the beauty?

Must I carry on the rage that something has gone wrong or will jump the tracks any minute now?

Can I release the negativity that infused cells in my body and caused genetic trauma to stand up and be saluted?

I want to begin again. Instead of the rubber band barriers, tight and stretching to breakage, can I be lotion saturating and make silky smooth.

This is a big week ahead. I meet a new oncologist. Last week I was quite depressed believing my cancer is back and needing medical care soon. I straightened up my act this week and believe the spot on my neck that was slightly puffy has lessened again. I cannot eat anything I want. If I do, I pay. I need to respect this new life coming forward. I must remember the eagle and realize I’m still in the process of growing back my beak and plucking out the weakened feathers. I will fly again. There is a whole world I want to be involved with and watch interact with this world that seems locked up tight with forces that don’t care if the whole ship goes down.

I want to release the second-guessing.

I want to embrace the sensitivity.

I want to daily get back to what I do best, writing in the minute what I see and feel, think and understand.

Those moments when the immune system is plagued by the negative emotions, which make my blood bad, those moments I want to upchuck and release. I will do this from now one.

I won’t let it stay in me.